In the distance there is life.

Walk through the empty halls of the train station to the sound of a black man playing a silver trumpet, echoing through the halls but competing with an underlying melody of a violin being played somewhere in the distance.

Walk down the stairs as carefully as possible, her hand hovering over the railing so as not touch it, but to be able to grab it in case she falls. Her feet are sore from the boots and being on her feet all day, but the pain was worth it because she came and saw what she knew would touch her deeply.

Even professionals aren't perfect, yet they are professional and they are perfect. Every flaw gave her hope to being what she knew she was supposed to be.

Here I am, Here I go.

As of late there has a been a lot going on, yet nothing going on at all. I have been purging and purging, and purging. No matter how much I get rid of I can't seem to get rid of anything. Pile after pile goes out the door, yet I am still left with the mess that haunts me. It's an oddity really. "Come see the amazing pile of crap that never goes away! No matter how hard you try and how much you get rid of, the mess will never dwindle!" Amazing. But still, I continue on, because I am finally really at my limit mentally, and I never finish anything. This has to be finished. Every item has a place, and whatever doesn't, doesn't belong. Or so I keep telling myself. So, the purge continues. I swear to myself that I won't let myself down, because that's just what I tend to do on most occasions...let myself down. I guess I'm just realizing it now.

The last couple of days I have been sick. This is a rare thing in itself because the last time I was sick was four years ago. Having a cold does funny things to your head sometimes. Makes the dreams weird, makes you see things funny. I never knew why that happened, perhaps it was a low grade fever. At one point, I was home by myself and it was dusk. I walked out into the front room and the window was open. Below the window were two black pillows, a normal thing for the front room. This time though, when I walked into the room the placement of the pillows near the window made it look like there was a huge gaping hole in the front of our apartment. It looked so real to me that my stomach dropped and I got really scared because I hadn't heard anything and had no idea what had happened to the wall. Luckily after I got my bearings straight (approximately 20 seconds) I realized that my eyes and mind had seriously just played a trick on me.
My dreams have been more vivid too. Although now I can't remember them, I do remember the one I had this morning right before I woke up (1 Minute before my alarm went off.) It was one of the first days of school and I was with friends, I was walking across the quad to another class, or maybe to my car. The air was cool and bright, maybe morning. As I was talking to my friends I noticed a guy out of the corner of my eye approach me. It was someone I hadn't seen in a very very long time, but talked to every once in awhile. I was surprised to see him and gave him a big hug. Surprisingly the hug was returned with what seemed like the same enthusiasm. We talked for a minute and then started walking to where my next class might have been, at the top of some stairs. We sat down next to each other and started talking. I was wearing a long skirt and for some reason he wanted to see my legs. I told him no because they were hairy. After pestering me about it for a minute or two we kind of fell silent. We looked at each other and just embraced each other. I had my face in his neck. The smell was so familiar and comforting. Then I woke up...

Dreams are funny things sometimes. Sometimes I know what they mean, other times I do not. Perhaps this one is a sign of what may come. Maybe I should be on the look out of unexpected visitors.

Who would have thought that I would be turning 27 in two weeks and still have a problem with being a pack rat. Who would have thought that I would have been married for a tad over two years...Who would have thought that I would still be working retail in some form, and now doing what I really want to do? I have been watching a lot of 'Dead Like Me' lately, and one thing that I've learned from that show is that life is just too short, and being that I am in the later half of my 20's and still have done nothing is quite unacceptable. I don't know how I will change things, and enrich my life more but it has to be done...I've already wasted so much time as it is.

A well needed vacation

School, school, school, hurry up and finish. School finally completed, move right on to working full time...not even doing what I really want. Clean, clean, clean..no time, no time at all...

There is this dream that I am following. I don't know what it is exactly...it's like someone told me that what I had, talent wise was going to make me famous. Great. Isn't that everyone's dream? To be famous? I've known for years and years that I was supposed to do something, but the problem was, and still is, that I have no idea exactly what that is. I can only guess that it's something to do with photography..but I feel so far away from it, like someone is pulling a dollar on a string, waiting for me to try and catch it.

I feel like I have become obsessed with it lately..trying to figure it out, and perhaps that's the problem! Everyday that there is no time to stop. Relax. Take a breath of fresh air, and really reflect. I've come to a brick wall...I've been there for ages now, not knowing what to do. It reminds me of the scene in 'Run Fat Boy Run' where he is running, and he finally gets runners block, where you just can't go anymore...He hit the wall...yet he was so determined to finish the race that he only stopped for a short time before his hallucinations started telling him to run through the wall. He was on the other side, beckoning him to run through..his sub-conscience guiding him every step of the way. I get small glimpses of my sub-conscience through the wall every now and again...although in my case it feels more like I'm drifting in and out of a coma. The only way to reach the other side is to just keep running.

empty words, no plans

It's summer. Yet it feels like fall? With this weird weather comes weird feelings, and unstable moods. Nothing seems stable enough to hold onto. Completing my AA in Spring left me feeling empty and helpless. I have answered the same question about three dozen times in the last month and a half. "Where are you going now?" I don't know that answer. I never really expected to get as far as I have, and I don't feel like I am good at anything worth while. So, what now? I have been in a funk with my work-nothing new is coming to me so, time stop and work on something else. I've decided to start writing again. I was never very good at it, but I could get stuff out. I want to write a book. I am going to write a book. It's been in progress for many many years now, I just just have to put it together in the story it needs to be in. I am not sure what it's about, so don't ask.

I have words, but they will not come. Not here, not yet.

a feeling of green

My heart always seems to break a little, and the cracks fill up with a jealousy (the kind I'm not sure anyone would understand) when I see where you've been. When I see the photos. I wonder how you can afford it. How can you live that carefree life? I want to sell all my belongings and go.
I am happy on most days, filled with positivity. But when I see you, it disappears.

ants & love

I love ants. I love when it's cold and they think it's a good idea to come into our house and walk around. The best part is when they feel like making a place to live in our kitchen. In our baking cabinet to be more precise. All over the molasses, and some in the corn syrup. Even after we killed what we thought was most of them and sealed the holes where we thought they might be coming from, they still appear!! It's like they materialize out of nowhere. I love having my kitchen a complete mess because I had to take everything out of our cabinets.



While I'm loving things, I also really love our new neighbors and how I can hear them having sex ALL THE TIME at hours when I know I should be sleeping but I just can't help but be woken up by the sound of the neighbors bed scraping the floor at a certain rhythm. It also makes me happy when it sounds like they're moving their furniture around, scooting it along the floor. Oh and also the fact that I'm pretty sure they smoke inside their apartment, as well as leave cigarette butts all over the front of our sidewalk, and in our backyard. I'm inches away from calling my landlord and telling her what great people she has brought into our building.

On a more serious note. I have started to try and look at things differently. Although this post doesn't have a note of positive in it, I really have become more positive, and started looking at the world a little differently. At least I am trying. But gosh darn it, sometimes it's so hard not to be negative about something, or be in a bad mood. But in any case, I love you! (and that's for real)

Oh yeah. Did anyone hear that the walnut creek bart tracks caught fire last night? It was surreal.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just get a grasp on things. Why is it so hard for me to figure out how my flash works properly.
I get so flustered.
I have this great light meter I have never used. I don't know how.
I have a talent, I know I do. It's not stuck up of me to say it on my own blog. I don't admit it to anyone else. I keep that inside, I think it keeps me going.
My favorite magazine is JPG. I feel that all the images in that magazine are better than anything I've ever done. And these are so called amateurs! How can I compete? how do I choose? I just have to go.

I see many people riding bikes and walking up and down the sidewalks and streets of Alhambra. I wonder where they are going today...

Wherever today takes me I will be taking my camera. As always.